Why it matters...

     Over the last four months I have had a wonderful thing happen to me.  I found a place closer to my Fathers heart.  Previously I wrote about sharing your journey, and to my shame, I have not shared this.  I have not really wholly collected my thoughts, or even grasped the magnitude of this lesson.  Today I wish to record, exactly where my heart is, and hope that you too will find the healing I am finding.

     I was told, four months ago, that I had a tumor growing on my pancreas.  I recall when the doctor told me that, the feeling of floating that occurred.  My body was sitting on that examining table with the crunchy white paper refusing to not make noise, but my mind was a million miles away.  I knew, just knew, that at any moment I could pick up the clicker and change the channel.  When ten minuets later I was still looking at the plastic diagram of a pancreas, hearing that I would be diabetic, with five year life expectancies, I came crashing down hard.  To my joy, I didn't cry, not until I got to the car.  I am so grateful to my Grandfather for allowing me to do so, because I was truly a mess, and he was solid.  I needed something solid.    

     It took seven weeks to get a firm diagnosis.  Snow storm after snow storm, delayed a biopsy which turned out to be inconclusive.  Surgery finally was the only answer, and it was a large undertaking.  The part that threatened to undo me, however, was when I looked at my children and realized I would have to think of how I might have to say goodbye.  How do you tell your three year old mommy has to go away and not come back?  Or even act normal knowing you might have to say that, and wait for the answer that will set your course?  I pray that none of you will ever have to feel that way.  It is a wound that is very deep, and for me, is still healing.  But I learned something during this time.  Hope is not a slap in the face that leaves a lasting sting so you remember it for a while. Its not a thing to be bought at a store, its a promise made and accepted in faith.  Hope is not always the victory we think we are going to have, or the "everything is going to be alright" scenario. HOPE, is the unyielding truth that even if I was walking my last steps, I was never alone.  My children were never alone.  Nothing was ever out of control, and I was not out of control.  Was my whole word turned upside down?  Perhaps.  Maybe I was the one turned upside down, and God flipped me back right.  The gift in all this is simple, none of it mattered.  What matters, is as long as each step I take, each breath I take, is committed for the Glory of God, then it was valuable and wonderful.     

     My grandfather called me with the last four versus of Psalms 91 at about week three of this ordeal.  During prayers, God reminded him of this promise, and he shared it with me.  When he originally shared it with me, he said to stick my name in the places it states "you".  I think we should all do that, because its truth.  God is speaking to you! 

I would like to share them with you:

You'll walk unharmed among lions and serpents from the path.  "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble.  Ill give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me.  Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.  I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

     As those words sink in, let me share with you Gods promise to me fulfilled.  The tumor that was scanned 30+ times by a CT scan during my biopsy, and confirmed on my pancreas by three Doctors, was found by my surgeon on my colon during surgery.  After my surgery, it was found to be a very rare Shwanoma, which only occurs on the colon in less that 1% of the population of EARTH!  Seven and one half inch scar from breast bone to navel is my only reminder of the best seven weeks of my life.  I say that with the utmost sincerity, because the gifts I was given in those weeks were more than I could ever have received without.  Due to its location it was very easily removed, and removal was the cure.  My family, to include my best friend Angela and her husband Jerame, were by my side the very next day, but I had to be in the hospital for about five days.  I had a great party when I got home!  God fulfilled everything he said he would.  He gave me a long drink of salvation, and threw me a party.  Wow, I am so unworthy, and so utterly floored at his amazing Love. 

     The point of this post, is not to pat myself on the back.  I cant even put into words the pains and fears that are still healing as a result of this ordeal.  I was truly scared that my time on this earth was done, that I would leave my precious children before they even would be able to remember me.  I tried to not allow myself to dwell on that, and that was foolish.  I was wounded, and God understood that.  I should have accepted it, and turned to Him, not hidden behind feigned strength.  I was forced to accept my mortality, and I cant say I did so with true grace.  But...our Heavenly Father never left me, did not hide his face.  He was with me, and taught me things that I am still learning today, four months later.  The reality is, I received a miracle.  I was given more than I had to trade.  I was given TRUE life.  I am grateful, and I hope that you find something to help you see your promise too.  It matters...as long as its to His glory.