Tell me...

The following is a short poem I wrote, inspired by a moment of accountability.  I love my Heavenly Father, and I praise Him for allowing me to realize, every good and perfect gift is of Him.  I know when I think of good and perfect, I picture a shiney, sparkling packed with nothing but good things inside.  However, the truth is, trials, strife, and struggle are gifts, becuase the Lord placed us in those places to allow us to learn.  Thank you Father....for all your good and perfect gifts.

Tell me where I should run to escape your gaze?

Where shall I go to find refuge from your mercy?

I am but dust, that tumbles though ages of foolish mistakes,

Have I forgotten who I am? 

Where shall I go to find relief from your joy?

Where shall I go to ease the burden of your love?

I am but a fool, that will never see beyond myself 

Who can know the purpose of their existence?

Are we truly meant for more than day after day?

I am but human, lost in my own worries and follies

I am but human, saved by grace, washed in love, forged in sacrifice 

I am a fool, I am dust, I am beloved.

Who can stand against me, when I am my worst enemy?

Who can bring me under when despite myself, I have victory?

Who is greater than the sin of man?

Great is the Victory through our Lord Jesus Christ, who has brought us out of darkness and into the light.

Praise to you Lord God, for your Mercy is everlasting.

                                                                                                          JC

Why it matters...

     Over the last four months I have had a wonderful thing happen to me.  I found a place closer to my Fathers heart.  Previously I wrote about sharing your journey, and to my shame, I have not shared this.  I have not really wholly collected my thoughts, or even grasped the magnitude of this lesson.  Today I wish to record, exactly where my heart is, and hope that you too will find the healing I am finding.

     I was told, four months ago, that I had a tumor growing on my pancreas.  I recall when the doctor told me that, the feeling of floating that occurred.  My body was sitting on that examining table with the crunchy white paper refusing to not make noise, but my mind was a million miles away.  I knew, just knew, that at any moment I could pick up the clicker and change the channel.  When ten minuets later I was still looking at the plastic diagram of a pancreas, hearing that I would be diabetic, with five year life expectancies, I came crashing down hard.  To my joy, I didn't cry, not until I got to the car.  I am so grateful to my Grandfather for allowing me to do so, because I was truly a mess, and he was solid.  I needed something solid.    

     It took seven weeks to get a firm diagnosis.  Snow storm after snow storm, delayed a biopsy which turned out to be inconclusive.  Surgery finally was the only answer, and it was a large undertaking.  The part that threatened to undo me, however, was when I looked at my children and realized I would have to think of how I might have to say goodbye.  How do you tell your three year old mommy has to go away and not come back?  Or even act normal knowing you might have to say that, and wait for the answer that will set your course?  I pray that none of you will ever have to feel that way.  It is a wound that is very deep, and for me, is still healing.  But I learned something during this time.  Hope is not a slap in the face that leaves a lasting sting so you remember it for a while. Its not a thing to be bought at a store, its a promise made and accepted in faith.  Hope is not always the victory we think we are going to have, or the "everything is going to be alright" scenario. HOPE, is the unyielding truth that even if I was walking my last steps, I was never alone.  My children were never alone.  Nothing was ever out of control, and I was not out of control.  Was my whole word turned upside down?  Perhaps.  Maybe I was the one turned upside down, and God flipped me back right.  The gift in all this is simple, none of it mattered.  What matters, is as long as each step I take, each breath I take, is committed for the Glory of God, then it was valuable and wonderful.     

     My grandfather called me with the last four versus of Psalms 91 at about week three of this ordeal.  During prayers, God reminded him of this promise, and he shared it with me.  When he originally shared it with me, he said to stick my name in the places it states "you".  I think we should all do that, because its truth.  God is speaking to you! 

I would like to share them with you:

You'll walk unharmed among lions and serpents from the path.  "If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God, "I'll get you out of any trouble.  Ill give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me.  Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.  I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!"

     As those words sink in, let me share with you Gods promise to me fulfilled.  The tumor that was scanned 30+ times by a CT scan during my biopsy, and confirmed on my pancreas by three Doctors, was found by my surgeon on my colon during surgery.  After my surgery, it was found to be a very rare Shwanoma, which only occurs on the colon in less that 1% of the population of EARTH!  Seven and one half inch scar from breast bone to navel is my only reminder of the best seven weeks of my life.  I say that with the utmost sincerity, because the gifts I was given in those weeks were more than I could ever have received without.  Due to its location it was very easily removed, and removal was the cure.  My family, to include my best friend Angela and her husband Jerame, were by my side the very next day, but I had to be in the hospital for about five days.  I had a great party when I got home!  God fulfilled everything he said he would.  He gave me a long drink of salvation, and threw me a party.  Wow, I am so unworthy, and so utterly floored at his amazing Love. 

     The point of this post, is not to pat myself on the back.  I cant even put into words the pains and fears that are still healing as a result of this ordeal.  I was truly scared that my time on this earth was done, that I would leave my precious children before they even would be able to remember me.  I tried to not allow myself to dwell on that, and that was foolish.  I was wounded, and God understood that.  I should have accepted it, and turned to Him, not hidden behind feigned strength.  I was forced to accept my mortality, and I cant say I did so with true grace.  But...our Heavenly Father never left me, did not hide his face.  He was with me, and taught me things that I am still learning today, four months later.  The reality is, I received a miracle.  I was given more than I had to trade.  I was given TRUE life.  I am grateful, and I hope that you find something to help you see your promise too.  It matters...as long as its to His glory.   

Tenkiller State Park

Over the last four days my family and I went on a wonderful adventure.  We decided that this year we would rent a cabin about two hours east of us.  The location, Tenkiller State Park.  This park was gorgeous!  We had fantastic lake views, with birds, fall leaves in the height of their splendor, and all the included woodland creatures.  It was wonderful!!

The whole family went fishing, despite our lack of fish, we had a great time!  Nicolas learned about the small "feet prints" in the mud, and was able to tell me which were deer, and which were birds.  He cast his own line from his very own spider man fishing pole.  Fa and I had our own grown up version, and I must say Fabricio is a natural. 

Samantha and her brother had loads of fun.  They played foot ball, tag, and another game in which they scared mami half to death, because they both nearly went down a very steep hill.  In fact, mami demonstrated her baseball skills and slide into home to rescue poor Samantha from a backwards roll down said hill.  Other than that small scare, my children and husband were perfect students as we explored Tenkiller State Park.  The nickname for the park is Heaven in the Hills, and I must say, this small part of the Ozark Mountains, was exactly that. 

These are just a few of the photos we took.  If you would like to see the whole album please visit:

https://cid-038658dee5746178.photos.live.com/browse.aspx/Fall%20Vacation?link=1&groupUpsell=0

My Sweet Son

My Sweet Boy,
     Today you were so very sweet.  You came home, opened the fridge, and got juice out.  With a pat on my back you very loudly proclaimed that "Chunky" needed juice.  I don't know how she will feel about you and your Father calling her Chunky, but for now, she adores you.  You take care of her, and protect her from tripping over toys.  She see's you in the morning and runs to give you a hug.  The relationship the two of you have, fills my heart to overflowing.  I am so proud of the sweet, compassionate child that you are.  You just need to work on the but mommy syndrome, that is plaguing you from your Fathers side of the family.  Don't worry sweetie, Mami cured your Father of it, and I have eighteen years with you! Your prognosis is good!!

I love you, and will be your Mami no matter what...even if you don't like it :)

-Mami

Don't Hog Your Journey

The first time I heard the advice, "Don't hog your journey", I thought to myself, do I have a journey?  If I do, who am I hogging it from? Surly who and what I am today, aren't that important to anyone but me... right?

The more I thought about it, I became more convicted, so I prayed.  After about two or so months I realized that my "Journey" is very important.  It was laid out before me, even before I was born. (Psalm 139:16)  Those days were known, and valued when I was a small cluster of cells, growing in my mothers womb.  How can something not be valuable, when the God of all Creation maps it out before I even have a shape?  I was awe struck, and chastised all at once, which is something only God and my Pappy have been able to do to me.  How special am I, that God would chastise me? 

In response to my questions, who and what am I hogging from, I have this simple answer...everyone and everything.  I matter, because what I do today, will set in to motion tomorrow.  I am valuable, because what I do to the least of these, I do unto God.  I should share, because my children's days were laid out before God, when they were just a small cluster of cells in my womb.  God fearfully and wonderfully made them, as he did me, and I would never waist such a precious gift as the one he gave me in those children.  I will share my mistakes, my victories, my confusion and all of life's lessons with my kids.  I will tell them how special they are, and I will share their journey with them, because my journey is what will mold theirs. 

I have Victory in Christ, and if He is with me who can stand against me?  Thank you Father, because you love my children, and you love me, and you put wonderful people in my life to help shape my journey. 

 

Veterans Day

Today Fabricio and I were watching the Wreath Laying Ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery on the news.  Its a very solemn ceremony, and when TAPS is played it tugs at my heart strings.  Too many people to remember these days, too many families grieving for their loved ones.  It seemed that the ceremony caught Nicolas's attention as well.

Fabricio and I started to explain about veterans, and military members. My sons summary of it all was precious in itself..."Like Captain America! They are heroes like Captain America!  Daddy is a Hero!"  He tried to hide it, but his Father beamed and I did too.  Our children, with their simple interpretations of life's most complicated subjects, remind me that maybe life is complicated because I make that way. 

God gave us His Grace, and Love, and promised us he would never ever leave us alone.  He will never ever give us more than we can handle.  I value those promises, sealed in the blood of His only Son, even more now that I have children.  I value the simple gifts that are my three year old, and eighteen month old.  I would trade my life to protect them, to keep them happy and alive.  I feel the same way about this country, and on this veterans day, I learned a valuable lesson.  All those who came before me, you're a hero, like Captain America, a valued family member, and most of all, never ever alone, or forgotten.  Not by those you left behind, and never by your Heavenly Father.  

Thank you...